DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS 1

KRYTEN'S CAMERA CORNER page 3!
TV SHOCK HORROR! what a host!
A TORY IN TROUBLE page 7
On CBC 8: Cooking with Shego
PROGRAMME CHANGES page 4
LARGE TYPE at Information
THURSDAY 9 APRIL 2009 the now is built on ruins of the past. today will make the future. are you ready?

WELCOME TO NORWESCON 32

by Becky Citrak, Chair

It's here! Tah-dah! I'm so excited to welcome you all to Norwescon 32.

Some things to put on your must-see list:

Guests of Honor! Check your pocket program for the time and place they will be making their appearances. Don't forget the autograph sessions!

Casino and dance: Thursday night! This was loads of fun last year and I think will be better this year.

P.K. Dick Awards: Join us Friday evening for delightful desserts and readings from this year's nominated books. The winner will be announced at the ceremony.

Masquerade: Beautiful costumes, fun skits, and movie previews at halftime.

Amtgard: the Sunday event in Grand Ballroom 3. Come watch people hit each other!

Programming: All weekend long, we will have fabulous programming by interesting people. Hands-on or discussion, we will learn what's going on in the worlds of fandom, science, art, and more.

This is going to be great!

WE'RE EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH JOURNALISM

Distractions Best Forgot

We want your lies.

We want your lies, your filth, your rumors, your innuendo and out your other, your trivialities, and your base distractions.

We want your shocking pictures, your vicious scandals, your unsourced spin and bullshit. We want your parties, we want your b00zahol (we really want your b00zahol), we want your severely paranoid ravings, your crazies, your barely-repressed insanity.

And most of all, we want your DIRTY. LITTLE. SECRETS.

Because that's what we are. We're all the things best left buried. We're all the things you'd rather forget. We're the official convention newsletter of Norwescon 32, the official press — what a joke! — and sure, we'll have the awards, the programme changes, and all that, and most of those will actually be real.

But we're proud — proud to be part of the problem, and we will play that role to the depths of our rotten little hearts.

Come help. Give us your slander, your overheards, your news, your embarrassing or awesome photographs — particularly your photographs we need to fill page 3 — and give them to us by 10pm each day. We have submissions boxes at information, registration, and hospitality. We'll be on the net by around 3am, and on paper in the mornings around 9. We'll have the large type edition at Information, and other copies pretty much anywhere you look.

So c'mon. Bring it, if you can. Give yourself something to regret later. Or don't you have the stomach for it?

WELCOME TO NORWESCON 32

by Hedda, the Cranky

Welcome to Norwescon 32! Let me explain — no, wait, there is too much. Let me sum up:

Don't bleed over the hotel unless you clean it up. That Luminal shit picks up everything.

Sleep five hours a day, eat two meals a day, and take a frikkin' shower every day or I WILL KILL YOU.

Don't touch unless you ask first. No means no!

If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? Yes? Good, they've already jumped. They're waiting for you at the bottom. MOVE, SOLDIER!

Common sense is not common. If you question an activity, ask someone with a badge. They probably have the good sense to arrest you.

Treat others the way you wish to be treated — sanded to a fine sheen, stained, and coated in Varathane. But ask first if you think they might not like it.

While we see the hotel as a place to pay and to recreate, the mundanes see it as a place to sleep and recuperate. Share the space, not the therapy sessions.

If you are going on the hot tub or pool, get clean first. Seriously, please. The Saturday Soup Bubbles are not soap and nobody, and I mean nobody, needs your eu de fan skank — or anything else — on them.

Don't want strangers having sex in your room? We don't want you having sex in our hot tub. TUBBS IS CLOSED DUE TO OH JESUS NO.

"You got your convention security in our room party!" "Yeah, well, you got your stupid in our face."

Wear sunscreen. But not in the hot tub.

If you don't want people to mock your naked ass, don't expose it. Also, that sunscreen thing.

Once is funny, twice is annoying, three times is unforgivable. Four times starts to head back towards funny again. Five times? Eh, you tore it. Six? Pathos. Seven? SEVEN! C'MON, SEVEN! BABY NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SHOES!

Looking forward to writing about people who piss me off with their natural 11s,

Hedda, the Cranky

GET READY TO MATCH THE FANNISH STARS

Preferably with a real match

You could win a membership to next year's Norwescon, books worth more than $100, and other great prizes at Match Game SF, the SF&F-themed re-creation of the classic 70s game show on Friday night!

Unlike other contests where you need to know your trivia, Match Game is simple and easy to play. Contestants will be randomly selected from the audience to match wits against our panel, as they guess how the panelists completed simple fill-in-the-blank propositions such as, "Godzilla said, 'The reason I only attack Japanese cities is that Americans give me _____.'" All contestants drawn from the audience are guaranteed to win a prize, including the famous Lovely Parting Gift. The fun starts Friday at 9pm, in Evergreen 4.

OVERHEARD

"Gina wants a My Little Pony named Rainbow Death."

"I'm full of hate and death and codeine."

KRYTEN'S CAMERA CORNER

TEMPTING TIDBITS FOR THE DISCRIMINATING MECHANOID

OH HO HO, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
"Look at this beauty! A double-loader! Isn't she just a marvel?"

Vitals: 4.0ft, 14 cycle
Debut: Today!
Astrological sign: Pisces/Airies
Power requirements: 110v/60hz

"And check out those curves!"

"That, that, that's not mine! I don't know where that came from and I assure you I don't swing that way! I'll have to have a word with that editor!"

PROGRAMME CHANGES WILL GO HERE

...once we have any.

Nothin' yet. At least, not that they're telling us. Watch this space! No, I mean this one: > < Page 4, every day!

DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS

...is the daily newsletter of Norwescon 32, and we're doing our best to invent new ways to be wrong about journalism. Your inadequately-supervised editor is R'ykandar (Dara) Korra'ti, Cynic-in-Chief. Submissions are due by 10pm for the next morning's print edition, or later if you find us in person inking up our keyboards for the night. And don't push us, man, we're not drunk enough for that shit. COPY!